Here come Da Fakes! And I ain’t talking fake breasts, hair or eyelashes. Those always make me laugh, especially the enormous implants on women so top heavy that they’re on the verge of toppling over, hitting the ground boobs first. Or the rug on some bolo head that fools no one, not even if we call it a toupée. What about false eyelashes that look like there’s vana where eyes should be?
Fortunately, foolish fakery such as these only make me giggle and don’t impact others. But now there’s another fake, counterfeit COVID-19 vaccination cards, and these are a whole different ballgame.
As I read about visitors getting caught with pirated passes, I don’t have to ask why. From the cradle, Americans are taught precious freedoms: speech, assembly, religion and more.
So vacation-seekers are demanding their right to travel freely, unmasked and unvaccinated. Some of these entitled tourists are trying to sneak into our islands to frolic in sun and surf, leaving the rest of us to deal with deadly COVID variants.
Hey, read the fine print: Freedom of choice does not include the right to spread disease!
The first to get caught with fraudulent cards was a father-son team from California. Shame on Bad Dad who flunked Parenting 101 by setting a lousy example.
Then there’s the couple from Florida who provided false vaccine cards for their kids under the age of 10 who are ineligible for a shot even if they wanted one. Award an “F” to these Floridians who forgot to pack brains.
What about the lolo who got caught because she wrote in Maderna as her vaccine. It’s Moderna, babooze! Somebody give her Spellcheck for Dummies.
And now let’s get ready for more fakers.
In an effort to control the Delta variant, Honolulu and Maui County will be demanding vaccination passports for entry into establishments such as restaurants, gyms and others. With our own skyrocketing numbers, will Hawaii County be next?
Once restrictions are implemented, I’ll bet that both visitor and resident vaccine opposers will be slithering around the islands with their counterfeit COVID cards. But for those caught with fake passes, there should be serious consequences.
Here are my suggestions. For visitors, hit them with big fines — no manini slaps on the wrists, please. Immediately put them on the next plane out, at their own expense, and banish them forever from these islands.
If they cannot cough up kala, then enroll them in the local chapter of the COVID Cheaters Club, where they’re handcuffed, hauled in, given a high bail (only $2,000? How about $200,000?). And, when they cannot post it, throw them in the slammer.
Be sure the word gets out: “Show a fake vaccination card in Hawaii and enjoy banishment or a free week’s stay at Maui, Hawaii or Halawa Correctional Center!” Then vaccinate their sorry ‘okole upon release.
These are trying times, and I’m trying to be patient, but it’s time to get tough. If my suggestions seem over the top, it’s because of small but noisy groups protesting mandates that keep us safe. Thanks to these knuckleheads, our hard work over the past year to beat this pandemic is going down the toilet. So no more Miss Aloha!
In these islands, we have something called kuleana — responsibility — not only for ourselves, but for others. I’m tired of cajoling anti-vaxxers to do their part for the good of the community. But if they insist on their precious freedom of choice to remain unvaccinated, there are other states that will welcome them.
Adieu, adios and aloha ‘oe.
Rochelle delaCruz was born in Hilo, graduated from Hilo High School, then left to go to college. After teaching for 30 years in Seattle, Wash., she retired and returned home to Hawaii. She welcomes your comments at firstname.lastname@example.org. Her column appears every other Monday.