We talk aloha a lot around here, what it means, why it’s the core of the culture, how to recognize it in your ohana and in others.
We don’t always walk the talk though, especially as parents in the stands, watching our sons and daughters compete on the field or in the gym.
If you guessed this is another attempt to alert people to the issue of crazed parents in the stands, setting bad public examples for their families, their children, their children’s school and the community, you’re right.
In a lot of places, these mortifying scenes are found in soccer, usually at travel team levels, but far too many parents act out at lower level games, when keiki are just starting to learn to play.
Times haven’t changed much in that regard. The issues at stake in a suburb of Washington, D.C., 10 years ago when Dr. Jay Goldstein surveyed parental reactions in the stands and eventually produced a revelatory study that involved nearly 400 parents, are pretty much the same.
The findings in the survey are also as relevant here as they were in distant D.C.
Here, coaches and athletic directors generally acknowledge the issue is spread throughout several sports, but football seems to generate the most consistent verbal abuse, with baseball not far behind.
Wives of Big Island high school coaches sometimes choose between staying home or sitting alone, apart from the thick body of parents and other fans of their husband’s teams. High school baseball coaches in Hilo, representing some of the most successful on the island, resist discussing the topic for fear of pouring gasoline on a fire already out of control.
But whether the sport is soccer, football or anything in between, the issue is as real here as it was in suburban D.C. when Goldstein conducted his survey.
Here’s a generalized conclusion of what he learned, and if you’ve ever seen this egregious parental behavior in the stands, you may recognize the conclusions:
The research “found that ego defensiveness, one of the triggers that ignites road rage, also kicks off parental ‘sideline rage,’ and that a parent with a control-oriented personality is more likely to react to that trigger by becoming angry and aggressive.”
Sounds like home, doesn’t it?
In a telephone interview last week, Goldstein said that while the sports can change from one area to the next, the disgraceful actions in the stands are pretty consistent everywhere.
“There are certain sports in certain areas that can be a lot worse than the others, because of the culture around that sport,” Goldstein said. “There are some stories about youth hockey in Canada that are very disturbing, football brings out emotions in a lot of places, there’s the story of a war started by a soccer match and so on, but it all seems to stem from people taking things personally in the games, as though what happens is being directed at you or your kid, which is an extension of you.”
In the abstract, it sounds like nonsense. A grown adult, aware that youth-level officials are seldom professionals as much as they are part-time referees trying to contribute to the game and see that it is properly administered are blowing their tops in the stands?
Yes, the same people, but let’s separate the games from the people. In the “soccer war” example from 1969 when El Salvador and Honduras were playing a best-of-three series for World Cup qualification, the two countries were on edge with each other, having nothing to do with the game, but after El Salvador advanced in June with an extra time victory, it invaded Honduras a few weeks later in July.
The situation was dangerously flammable and the competition may have been the spark, but the 1,500 or so lives lost in the conflict weren’t killed because of soccer, their deaths were attributable to the manner in which people comported themselves around the matches.
There’s no reason to try to compare war with an irate fan in the stands at a high school football game in Hilo, but the emotional hostility seems to come from the same place.
Goldstein’s survey indicated more than half of the fans felt some kind of anger at their daughter’s games and about a third of that antagonistic response was prompted by an official’s call.
So what do you do as a parent? Goldstein suggests starting with a conversation about competition, with the optimal goal that the youngster will take up a sport he or she loves, gain all the widespread benefits of being a good teammate, working through defeats and all the rest, and then continue in the sport into old age.
Youth sports should be, as others have said, “A safe place to learn and fail.”
If we can all agree on that, we should all be able to spot the parents who can’t accept what they think is a bad call, can’t accept their child losing.
“If families don’t have that conversation about the core values of why they are involving themselves in the sport, it can be bad for the kid,” Goldstein said. “Usually, it then becomes about being a high school star or getting a scholarship to a DI school, and if that’s why we’re doing it, it probably isn’t going to end well.”
Something needs to be done, and several area athletic directors are having parents sign forms prior to the start of the season, acknowledging the issues and pledging not to be more of the problem than the solution. Then, too many go act out at games anyway.
Here’s some other ideas Goldstein says have found success in some areas:
• Dum Dums. Not the people, the lollipops. “Pass them out to parents on the way in,” Goldstein said. “When the urge to scream in anger rises up, stick that lollipop in your mouth, take a break.”
• Breathe more. “If you can get people to take just four or so deep breaths when they feel the edginess coming on, long deep breaths, exhale gradually,” he said. “As simple as it is, it actually works.”
• Video tape. “First, have scheduled parents meetings,” Goldstein said, “then put that video on them, tape the scene they make in the stands. At the next parents meeting, play the tape and say, ‘Look, this is not acceptable behavior, this puts our school and your child in a bad light.”
• Adopt a child. This sounds like a great practice. Before games, names and numbers of players are put in a hat, parents pull a number blindly and they cheer for that child — if you get your own child’s number, pick another one. “It provides emotional distance,” Goldstein said, “and that’s what you want. Cheer for that kid as much as you can and know someone else is cheering for your kid, it’s a win-win.”
Be a role model instead of a case study in classless behavior.
Make your son or daughter proud instead of embarrassed.
Be a part of the solution, not the problem.
Questions? Comments? Whistleblower tips? Contact Bart at barttribuneherald@gmail.com