As I sit here on pins and needles — PINS AND NEEDLES Y’ALL! — awaiting the release of Donald Trump’s nominations for the “most dishonest and corrupt news media awards” he just invented in his big orange noggin, I imagine this is how Meryl Streep feels every year.
Our president has tweeted he will reveal his nominees in just a few days at “5:00 o’clock,” so I will be anxiously watching the clock to see if I’m among the nominees.
Sure, my platform isn’t nearly as big as likely nominees CNN and MSNBC, but it’s big, definitely not as tiny as whatever the North Korean equivalent of a snarky, progressive columnist might be if there was such a thing instead of a greasy spot where one used to be.
Trump started 2018 with a tweet storm that rained down his trademark fire and fury upon the internet capping it all with the announcement of his awards “show.”
“Subjects will cover Dishonesty & Bad Reporting in various categories from the Fake News Media. Stay tuned!”
Trump says “Stay tuned!” frequently. Which is no surprise when you realize, at the heart of it, he’s happiest as a TV personality. Saying “Stay tuned!” to see if he’s going to blow the world up like a squirrel in a microwave isn’t terribly presidential but it’s very Trump.
I imagine he’s spending this week working on the finalists. The stupid infrastructure can wait. As can North Korea blowing us up. And the government shutting down on Jan. 19 because it’s broke as a convict. (Sorry, Manafort.)
I’m hoping there’s a glitzy format and I will have to buy a gown and can sit around at one of those big round banquet hall tables at Mar-a-lawbreaker getting hammered with Mika and Joe. Here’s hoping she isn’t “bleeding badly from a facelift” like Trump completely made up and tweeted like it was true.
I haven’t been this excited since the Daytime Emmy nominations came out and my favorite “young male actor” was nominated for his role as a sexually confused teen in “Days of Our Lives.”
I’m intrigued by Trump’s teasing promise of awards in “various categories?” Will likely nominee Anderson Cooper have to learn the violin? Also, will there be a swimsuit category? I fervently hope not because, well, cellulite.
I’m envisioning a pageant format because Trump is never far removed from his glory days ogling young women in their undies in auditorium dressing rooms. Good times. With his fondness for broadcast TV and inane contests, this is going to be some fun! Will winners receive “gold” statuettes of dried dog poo?
I hope there will be an interview portion in which the nominees must answer deep questions about the world in 30 seconds or less.
Host Sean Hannity: “If you could teach the world a song, what would it be?”
Christiane Amanpour: “I’m just here for the crab legs.”
Trump hates the media like a fat kid loves cake. Stay tuned? Oh, Mr. President, we can’t hardly wait.
Celia Rivenbark is a New York Times-bestselling author and humor columnist who frequently writes about politics. Visit www.celiarivenbark.com.
